Self-care is not selfish

Is it selfish to care for yourself?

People often confuse caring for ourselves with being self-centred and self-involved. Often, we feel guilt and talk ourselves out of it, thinking we do not deserve it. The thoughts and actions that precede self-care are some of those tricky issues we all grapple with.  

Everyone’s relationship with self-care is unique. Each of us has been raised in a different environment, culture, moral framework, set of values, attachment style, and parenting approach. However, the common thread among them is the choice to prioritise YOU, to express your needs in a way that nourishes you, and to do this assertively and without judgment (towards yourself and others). Easier said than done, right! I hear you saying this. I understand; I’ve been where you are, and even now, I still face challenges. Just like with self-love and self-worth, which go hand in hand with care.

the choice to prioritise YOU, to express your needs in a way that nourishes you, and to do this assertively and without judgment

It can be difficult to recognise the need for self-care when everything is clamouring for your attention. The sensation that dropping just one plate will make everything come crashing down – work will unravel, bills will go unpaid, family life will become chaotic, and friendships may be lost. All these factors highlight a fear of being imperfect, unworthy, or inadequate, which can lead to burnout, stress, anxiety, depression, relationship deterioration, and illness.

In our fast-paced society, the significance of self-care often gets overlooked, with so much emphasis on immediate results and gratification. But self-care is so much more than just indulging in a spa day once a month or taking a holiday – it’s about making a genuine commitment to daily, mindful practices that nurture every facet of your mental well-being.

self-care is so much more than just indulging in a spa day once a month or taking a holiday – it’s about making a genuine commitment to daily, mindful practices that nurture every facet of your mental well-being

Taking the time to evaluate our self-care needs can be such a helpful step in expressing them. It really requires us to make a conscious effort to dive deeper into understanding ourselves. I'd love to share some points that, in my experience, have made it easier for me to assess my needs and recognise how I might be unhealthily expressing them or facing these challenges. By understanding this better, I can clearly communicate what I truly mean and gracefully let go of commitments or relationships that aren't a priority for me right now, or those that don't support my mental wellbeing.

Basics of Self-care:

• Getting to know your attachment style – Those with an insecure attachment style can find it difficult to express their needs, and often we are quite unaware of our actions. Knowing your attachment style can provide insight into how you should approach your self-care.

  • Anxious and preoccupied individuals may find it helpful to practice letting go of the need to control their environment. This type of attachment often leads to a heightened awareness of their surroundings, driven by a deep fear of abandonment. This fear can be so overwhelming that they sometimes prioritise others' needs over their own. The inclination to please others and a desire for perfection can significantly impact how they perceive their self-worth and their right to take a well-deserved break.

  • Avoidant/Dismissive individuals can find positive growth by being more open to expressing their needs and reaching out for help and connection. This type of attachment fosters a strong sense of independence and self-reliance. They deeply value their freedom, sometimes to a point that it can feel self-destructive, and they may fear being rejected for not being good enough. As a result, to protect themselves from these feelings, they often withdraw and try to handle everything on their own or hold back from sharing their emotions, which can lead to a buildup of resentment.

    
    

• Conditioning/Reinforcement - If you grew up in an environment where love was associated with being helpful, always putting others first, taking on a nurturing role at a young age, and hearing that you were “good” for being quiet and handling things by yourself, these experiences can shape how you view your own need for rest. These behaviours can be reinforced by the actions that follow them. For instance, you might have seen your father working late into the night and receiving praise for his efforts, or noticed your mum going above and beyond to help others before taking care of herself, getting compliments like “oh, what a wonderful person she must be.” When you were a child and faced punishment, silence, or invalidation for sharing your feelings, you often heard phrases such as “You are being silly,” “You are bad,” and “You should be ashamed for thinking of yourself first.” These messages were typically not intended to harm but are reflections of the cultural values and societal norms that encourage people to fit in.

  
  

• Boundaries: How clear are your boundaries, and how do you express them? Boundaries are not just about what we need, but also about recognising the needs of others. How can we honour our own boundaries while respecting those of the people around us? Sometimes, we might find ourselves overstepping and trying to help others to the point where we neglect our own well-being. When we try to do everything for someone else because we want to feel needed, it unintentionally takes away their sense of agency. By learning to communicate clearly and assertively, we can maintain our boundaries while still being respectful of others. It's important to express our right to say “no” without hesitation, as this helps clarify what we truly want. This can feel daunting, especially if fears start to creep in. However, shifting our responses is crucial, enabling us to take better care of ourselves and those around us. Keep in mind that feelings of anger and resentment may indicate that your boundaries are being crossed. The key to addressing this effectively lies in asserting those boundaries clearly.

  
  

• Support system: Evaluating your support system is crucial. Who is around you? Are you placing too many expectations on yourself while caring for others? How are you being supported? Are you asking for help? One key aspect of a support system, in my experience, is learning when to ask for help and expressing it without being critical or blaming others. Sometimes, I believe we all think we are mind readers. Collaborating on a solution to a problem and communicating your needs is essential for fostering participation from everyone in your life. I have fallen into many traps where I felt taken advantage of without voicing how I felt. Then, I realised later that it was because I had not set my needs for support with those around me. They all thought I was doing fine, that it was what I wanted to do, and they relinquished their responsibilities to me. By evaluating who is around you, considering how you could assist, relinquishing control, and then expressing your needs, you expand your support system beyond just yourself. Sharing the load helps you feel connected and understood by your closest relationships. Learning to speak out.

  
  

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that taking care of myself is not just an option — it’s a building foundation to my wellbeing. I still catch myself slipping into old patterns, feeling guilty for resting or asking for help. But each time I choose to listen to my needs with compassion, I feel a little more grounded. Self-care is messy, imperfect, and deeply personal — but it’s also one of the bravest things we can commit to. So, if you’re on this journey too, know you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that taking care of myself is not just an option — it’s a building foundation to my wellbeing

Stay tuned for my next blog, where I’ll explore the Pillars of Self-care. Don’t forget to subscribe to my newsletter for updates and a bit of extra inspiration in your inbox.

With heart and gratitude,

Cherlyn